Through It All

This has not been the greatest year for me. It has been emotional and stressful and at times way more than I ever thought I could handle. I never imagined that 2014 would turn into one the the hardest years of my life.

Everyone knows what happened with Addie this year. I shared that story because I wanted anyone else experiencing something like this to know they weren't alone. Throughout it all I was asked about Addison - understandably. One time during it all I was asked how I was and honestly the moment she asked, I almost started bawling. No one had asked me how I was handling it. No one had asked how I was and if I was okay. I was scared. I was really really scared. Terrified isn't a strong enough word. I could see my beautiful daughter in front of me and I knew that I would never recover if something happened to her. I was scared they would discover something, that something would seriously be wrong.

But we were finally past it and she started progressing beautifully. It was around then that we decided we wanted to try for another baby. We had been trying for a couple months and the cycle right after the MRI and results - the moment we knew our daughter was truly okay and that stress was behind us - I got pregnant. But at 6 weeks that came crashing down when I started bleeding. I didn't think I would ever stop crying. There was a piece of my heart that was just gone. How do you pick yourself back up? I was broken and I had no idea how to recover.

It was then that I started keeping one song on repeat, It Is Well by Bethel Music & Kristene DiMarco (check out the song here). That song started to settle me. Every day a piece was put back together. I started to smile more. I started to feel like me again. I still had bad days. There were still constant reminders every day and it was a struggle. But I would repeat the song in my head: "Through it all. Through it all, my eyes are on You. Through it all. Through it all, it is well. Through it all. Through it all, my eyes are on You. And it is well with me."

I slowly learned how to cope. How to not cry at every reminder. I stopped frequenting Facebook and other social media sites where I was constantly shown pictures of growing bellies, ultrasounds, and announcements. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for my friends, but my grief was too much to share that joy. It just stung too much. Every day I felt a little better. So when we were given the all clear to start trying again, I was excited. I was ready and excited. And the first cycle I got pregnant. I remember listening to that song that day: "It is well with my soul. It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul."

But by the time I went to the doctor the next day, my body was already in miscarrying. I wasn't bleeding, but my numbers were so low that there was no chance for this pregnancy to continue. I was having another miscarriage (a chemical pregnancy). Two in row and my heart broke again. "So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name."

I couldn't stop crying. All those pieces that were finally in place shattered again. How could I have had two miscarriages? What was wrong with me? Why were we struggling so much to conceive another baby? Why was this happening to me? How much more could I take?

Although my heart was in pain, I was able to pull myself back together quicker. Maybe because the fact that I was pregnant had barely sunk in. Honestly, I have no idea but I know that I'll never feel completely whole again because there are two babies that I will never get to meet and hold and watch grow. Some days are still harder than others. It's hard to remember that God has a plan and it's all in His timing. We again have to wait another cycle before we can start trying again, but we will try again. But for now, I'm okay. I take one day at a time. "Far be it from me to not believe. Even when my eyes can't see. And this mountain that's in front of me will thrown into the midst of the sea."