But instead of learning how to be a mom to two little ones. I had to learn how to be a mom dealing with heartache. I had to learn how to be a mom despite my own pain.
The truth is that it was hard to just pick back up and be the same mom I was before. There was a pain I now carry with me. The heartache of the miscarriages made it hard to deal throughout the deal. But I learned to continue to get up and look into the happy face of the girl I do have and deal with one hour at a time until it became easier to face one day at a time. Eventually things just slipped back to normal.
But I had changed. Our secondary infertility consumed my mind. Every negative test made me moody and impacted the rest of our day. As each cycle dragged on and on, I found myself more negative about everything in my day. I lacked patience with my daughter and grew frustrated easily. I snapped at her at the first sound of whining. She grew frustrated with me and soon we were feeding off each other. A good day around the house was hard to find. And I hardly wanted to leave the house because I was so frustrated and tired and cranky. I didn't want to deal with people anymore than I wanted to deal with my other daughter.
And soon the guilt started to set in. I was taking out my frustration with our struggle on my daughter. That wasn't fair to her. I had to figure out that this was no way to live our lives. We were struggling to have another one but we already had one beautiful daughter that was getting my worst everyday.
So I started figuring out how to deal with those frustrations that didn't include her. I exercised. I
wrote. I read books. I found things to do just for me. And things started to get better. Soon I was able to start enjoying moments together more. I spent time on myself and let myself feel sad about all our struggles and when my daughter was awake and playing. I did my best to keep her out of it.
Things got even better after I was diagnosed and we had a plan formed. I didn't feel so hopeless. I wasn't so frustrated and disappointed all the time.
The truth is that we still have bad days. How can we not? Every day is a struggle. She's a two year old and my hormones still mess with me sometimes, but overall things are better. We are happier around the house. I spend less time feeling sorry for myself and frustrated with our situation and more time really focusing on the beautiful two year old I have.
I'm definitely not the same mom I was before. But maybe in some ways I'm a better one once I dealt with my own pain and heartache. Because I already have her, I'm so grateful for her. Every moment I spend with her is amazing. We were supposed to have her exactly when we were supposed to and I appreciate her all the more.
Being a parent is hard. And being a parent when you are dealing with so many emotions is even harder. It's a struggle every day but she deserves to have the best of me.
xo, B
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