Four Losses

If you have been with me for awhile then you probably know that I have had four miscarriages, although it is something that I very rarely talk about (at least publicly). But last week - Addison's birthday to be exact - was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I try not to think about it much since that is a day to celebrate my beautiful oldest girl, who also happens to be my only kid who isn't a rainbow baby. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it. All four were heartbreaking, life changing moments in my life that definitely changed me.

My first miscarriage came five months after we started trying for a second baby. I never thought that we were struggling because it can take time but considering it took only one month to get pregnant with Addison. But we were over the moon when we found I was pregnant. Rob was with the Marines when I started bleeding, and honestly I knew what was happening almost at once. Long story short, my first miscarriage came just before 6 weeks and I had a hard time coming back from it. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I didn't feel happy. I felt sad that my body had failed me. I honestly didn't know where to go from there. And I felt alone. It was such a lonely feeling that even Rob couldn't fully understand. 

My second miscarriage came two months after my first and my first cycle that we were able to try again. I pretty much found out and almost immediately started bleeding. Although my heart was broken, I think I almost felt numb. I still felt in shock from my first miscarriage - an experience I had never thought I would have to experience. It was almost as if I didn't really even let myself feel that I was even pregnant so I was able to get through it faster. But maybe it was just the numbness from the first that I was still experiencing which didn't really allow me to feel this second one. 

It was after my second and more months of trying that we decided to go get help. We went to a fertility specialist, which is when we discovered I had PCOS. Finding that out definitely answered a lot of questions of things I had experienced since a teenager but never really understand why it was like that. But it could also be why I was having miscarriages. I was also then told that it was almost impossible to get pregnant naturally with PCOS, which shocked them to learn that I had one already conceived naturally. Regardless we came up with a plan moving forward and I went on medicine to help me ovulate and hopefully stay pregnant. 

I actually got pregnant on my first cycle but once again my numbers were too low and I was told that I would miscarry for a third time. Something that I didn't talk about a lot at the time but when I was given the news that I would miscarry over the phone but one of the head nurses at the clinic. She then told me that this meant I couldn't have a baby with using IVF and any child I had without IVF would have birth defects or delays. I think at the time I was more angry about what she was telling me than I was even sadden about the miscarriage. I really did feel I was becoming numb to them at this point. But at the same time I this also felt different. I was on medicine it was supposed to help and if this didn't help would I even be able to have another baby. 

Of course I did. A few months later we got pregnant with Connor, no IVF required and no birth defects or delayed. After realizing that this pregnancy was going to stick, I put the three miscarriages behind me and once I got into my second trimester I let myself just be excited for what was coming.

My last miscarriage would come once we decided to try for a third. We had decided that if we got pregnant then we did but if not then we were happy with our two. We only tried a few months before we did get pregnant. A miscarriage was never once something I considered. Everything seemed okay at first. I ended up going in for an ultrasound and bloodwork. My ultrasound showed that I was only dating at about 5 weeks even though I should have been 7 weeks. As I sat waiting for my bloodwork to be done, I knew that I was going to miscarry again. I started spotting soon after and that was it. This one was different because this time around my body didn't clear out like it was supposed to. I had to go back to a couple of ultrasounds to make sure all the tissue was gone because I just bled for so long. 

For some reason the last one felt a lot like my first. It was hard and I felt so broken. I felt like I wouldn't recover and I honestly wasn't sure where to go from there. But we pressed forward and I let myself recover bit by bit. 

Of course my very next cycle we got pregnant with Emma and my second rainbow baby was born.

We are done having kids and at times I feel sad to know that part of our lives is behind us. But at the same time I also feel relieved knowing that I never have to go through that heartbreak again. It's hard to think about those moments and those babies that I lost. It's hard to be reminded by those moments but those moments have formed who I am and our family. 

And I want to say to anyone who has been going through a loss or has gone through a loss, just know that you aren't alone. It's heartbreaking and it's hard to feel like things will be okay. And truthfully there will be a lot of moments where you don't feel okay but that's okay. It's okay to not feel okay all the time. And if you know someone going through a loss, just know that just saying that you are sorry and offering to be there is all you need to do. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is one that I hope you never have to be be aware of. A day that I hope you can let just be another day for you. But for so many of us, this day truly does mean something. 

Number 4

I truly debated if I wanted to write this blog post or not. Have I talked about this topic time and time again? Three other times actually. But I want to talk about it again because it's another way to heal. It's a way to share my experience which could help someone else. It's a way to keep this topic from being taboo.

So here is it: Last month I had a fourth miscarriage.

Rob and I always talked about having three kids and right now we have two pretty awesome ones. I was pretty sure we weren't going be able to have another one because of my history but we decided we wanted to let it happen if it did. I went off birth control in November of 2017 partly for the reason to start trying and partly because I was feeling all over the place with the hormones and my PCOS, so I wanted to try to control it without the help of birth control.

Just like when we started trying with Connor, I started temping every morning in order to figure out my cycle and how messed up it was. Come to find it, it wasn't as bad as I thought but I still had a bit of a longer cycle than what is considered ideal. But I figured it would be a good way to see if I could help my PCOS by seeing what my cycle did.

I definitely had a different thought process going off birth control this time. It took so long to get pregnant in the first place when we started trying for a second, so I was sure it would be very similar. I thought it would take months if it even happened at all.

But it did happen. The second cycle we were trying. I ovulated on cycle day 19 which is not the "ideal" day 14, but that didn't have to mean anything bad. And from the moment we found out, I was a wreck. I was nervous and my anxiety was so high. I didn't get to see my doctor for my confirmation appointment which I really wanted, but it was confirmed and I made my first prenatal appointment with my doctor and just tried to not worry,

But of course I worried. I could shake the feeling that something was wrong. Especially since at about 6 weeks and a couple days I stopped having symptoms. I tried to tell myself that symptoms come and go and maybe they would come back in a few days. But I just couldn't shake the feeling.

At 7 weeks I got a call from my doctor's office that my doctor wanted me to go in for a dating ultrasound and to get some bloodwork done as soon as possible, so the next day I went in. And what I had sensed for a few days was confirmed.

The ultrasound tech told me that I was only dating about 5 weeks 4 days and it took her so long to find a yolk sac and she wasn't even sure about it at that. She told me it was a good thing I was getting some bloodwork done. She stayed positive but I knew then. I knew it was over. I was pretty much a mess the rest of the day.

Then I got the confirmation call from my doctor that my progesterone was too low. I told her I figured this was the case because I had started spotting that morning. But my doctor still wanted to meet with me so in I went. She told me that my progesterone was only 3 which it seemed like it wasn't a case of having low progesterone being the cause of the miscarriages but more that my body was already trying to get back to normal. But if we wanted to meet with a perinatal group to see if we could get some answers about why I'm having so many miscarriages.

Needless to say I was a mess for a few days. Rob worked from home so he could help with the kids while I just rested and tried to deal with the fact that I had lost a fourth baby. But unlike the last three miscarriages this wasn't a week or so of bleeding then done.

I checked in with my doctor that the bleeding had been a lot lighter than I had had before, so she wanted me to get an ultrasound to see if I had gotten rid of all the tissue yet. It was a moment I dreaded especially since as I walked into the building standing in the doorway was a very pregnant woman admiring her baby on her ultrasound pictures.

Turned out it wasn't all gone, so we would wait out another week before we would have to turn to a D&C. So now I went through another week of bleeding then I went back in to get checked. And luckily this time it was confirmed that everything was gone. Even after being told that everything looked normal again I had two more days of the heaviest bleeding yet before it finally ended. I ended up bleeding for the grand total of 17 days.

We did end up going to gather information about our options on finding out why the miscarriages were happening. Pretty much it could just be a chromosomal issues. A genetic issue. A very rare chance I have a blood clotting issues. But pretty much the only way to combat the majority of the reasons why I could be miscarriages would be IVF, which we ruled out as an options. In fact it was then that I ruled out using the fertility clinic at all again. Trying for a third was very different than when we were trying for Connor.

It took another three and half weeks for my period to finally come back which ended my miscarriage cycle for good. Of course I wish I could say that you move on, but you always carry those miscarriages with you. You never forget.

So where we stand now is an interesting place. I'm not necessarily ready to call it quits on trying for a third, but I also know that means I run of the risk of going through another miscarriage and maybe that one will be the one that will mean we will really be done. But at this point we are just letting it happen as it happens. Maybe we will have another one. Maybe we will decide it's just time to go back on birth control and move on.

In some ways this miscarriage felt a lot like the first one. It took me completely by surprise. Maybe it was foolish to not think this was a possibility again, but I just didn't. I lived with thinking I was pregnant longer than the other three. Both Rob and I hoped we would have a happy ending to this which might give hope to other couples who have gone through something similar to what we went through to get Connor. But we don't.

Truthfully there are days that I'm still angry that this is our reality. There are days I'm sad. There are days that I'm upset that my body betrays me. There are days that I'm just confused that I can have two amazing kids right there but I have lost four. It's really hard to find a silver lining in an experience like this. Pretty much it just hurts and it's just something I have to live with for the rest of my life.


"She's got lions in heart. A fire in her soul. He's got a beast in his belly that's so hard to control. 'Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow. Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode.

When you've been fighting for it all your light. You've been struggling to make things right. That's how a superhero learns to fly. Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power." (Superhero, The Script)

Read about my experiences here:
At 5 Weeks 6 Days
Through It All
Fight Like a Girl: Cycle #1

Through It All

This has not been the greatest year for me. It has been emotional and stressful and at times way more than I ever thought I could handle. I never imagined that 2014 would turn into one the the hardest years of my life.

Everyone knows what happened with Addie this year. I shared that story because I wanted anyone else experiencing something like this to know they weren't alone. Throughout it all I was asked about Addison - understandably. One time during it all I was asked how I was and honestly the moment she asked, I almost started bawling. No one had asked me how I was handling it. No one had asked how I was and if I was okay. I was scared. I was really really scared. Terrified isn't a strong enough word. I could see my beautiful daughter in front of me and I knew that I would never recover if something happened to her. I was scared they would discover something, that something would seriously be wrong.

But we were finally past it and she started progressing beautifully. It was around then that we decided we wanted to try for another baby. We had been trying for a couple months and the cycle right after the MRI and results - the moment we knew our daughter was truly okay and that stress was behind us - I got pregnant. But at 6 weeks that came crashing down when I started bleeding. I didn't think I would ever stop crying. There was a piece of my heart that was just gone. How do you pick yourself back up? I was broken and I had no idea how to recover.

It was then that I started keeping one song on repeat, It Is Well by Bethel Music & Kristene DiMarco (check out the song here). That song started to settle me. Every day a piece was put back together. I started to smile more. I started to feel like me again. I still had bad days. There were still constant reminders every day and it was a struggle. But I would repeat the song in my head: "Through it all. Through it all, my eyes are on You. Through it all. Through it all, it is well. Through it all. Through it all, my eyes are on You. And it is well with me."

I slowly learned how to cope. How to not cry at every reminder. I stopped frequenting Facebook and other social media sites where I was constantly shown pictures of growing bellies, ultrasounds, and announcements. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for my friends, but my grief was too much to share that joy. It just stung too much. Every day I felt a little better. So when we were given the all clear to start trying again, I was excited. I was ready and excited. And the first cycle I got pregnant. I remember listening to that song that day: "It is well with my soul. It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul."

But by the time I went to the doctor the next day, my body was already in miscarrying. I wasn't bleeding, but my numbers were so low that there was no chance for this pregnancy to continue. I was having another miscarriage (a chemical pregnancy). Two in row and my heart broke again. "So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name."

I couldn't stop crying. All those pieces that were finally in place shattered again. How could I have had two miscarriages? What was wrong with me? Why were we struggling so much to conceive another baby? Why was this happening to me? How much more could I take?

Although my heart was in pain, I was able to pull myself back together quicker. Maybe because the fact that I was pregnant had barely sunk in. Honestly, I have no idea but I know that I'll never feel completely whole again because there are two babies that I will never get to meet and hold and watch grow. Some days are still harder than others. It's hard to remember that God has a plan and it's all in His timing. We again have to wait another cycle before we can start trying again, but we will try again. But for now, I'm okay. I take one day at a time. "Far be it from me to not believe. Even when my eyes can't see. And this mountain that's in front of me will thrown into the midst of the sea."

At 5 Weeks 6 Days

My heart broke.

This is hard for me to write but because I think writing is therapeutic I'm here now.

On July 21, I found that I was pregnant. We had been trying for five months and I was so excited. We were more than ready to add another little person to our family. Things were going good. I was feeling good. Exhausted but I chase a 21 month old around all day. Otherwise I was good. I wasn't feeling queasy. I didn't have any symptoms. And I wasn't complaining about it.

But the day before 6 weeks I started bleeding. And my world dropped. It started out innocently as some brownish spotting. I had never had spotting with Addison but I knew it didn't necessarily mean anything bad as long as it just continued to spot and wasn't bright red or clots. But still I felt that something was wrong. I couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was happening. And as the day progressed it got worse. The bleeding became heavier and it was bright red. By the evening there were clots.

My heart dropped. In my gut I knew what was happening. I knew exactly what it was. And I was scared. I felt completely alone. Rob was gone with the Marines and unreachable. My heart was broken. And my 21 month old was looking at me unsure of what was happening. To her life continues. She wanted to play and I wanted to cry.

And cry I did. A lot. It would hit me randomly. Suddenly tears would start flowing and I couldn't stop them. Off and on all day. I hadn't even been to the doctor yet, but I still knew. I knew in my heart that the baby I wanted so badly wasn't there anymore.

I wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted to float away. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to not be in this moment. I wanted this not to be happening. But it was happening.

The next day my doctor fit me into her busy Monday schedule. We went and knew we were just confirming. There wasn't a doubt in my mind what had happened. I had blood drawn and soon enough my doctor came in to confirm. I had miscarried. She said at this early stage it was probably something at a chromosome level that just didn't line up. She said that one miscarriage didn't increase my chances of another one. She said that we could start trying again after my next regular period. She said my blood type was A+ so I didn't need a shot. She said that when we do get pregnant again we would check my hormone levels right away to make sure they are where they are supposed to be and if they aren't then we would fix it. She said she would call me later to let me if I needed to come back in a week to get my hormone levels rechecked again. Then we left.

Going to the doctor and having it confirmed was a step closer to closure. It felt a little more finale, like we were a little closer to closing the door on this and continuing forward. She did call me a few hours later and let me know that my hormones were almost back to normal, which was the only good news if that was even possible in this situation because it meant that I had miscarried naturally and wouldn't need any help.

Since then I have gone through the array of emotions. I feel sad a lot. I feel sad for this baby that will never be, for this person that we will never meet. I feel angry that this happened. I felt guilty when things continue on as usual and I'm laughing with Addison or Rob because I'm not spending every minute torn up about it. I feel down. But right now I feel ready to move forward.

Just because I move forward doesn't mean that I'm forgetting. I know that will never happen. This is something that I will carry with me, but I have a husband and daughter in the here and now who love and need me. And I know in my heart that there will be another chance for us. We'll add more children to our family, and this one I will carry with me always.

I know that God has a plan. I don't know what it is but I have to believe that he had a reason why this happened. I have to believe that this is all part of something. That doesn't always make it easier to accept however. It still breaks my heart.

It's been two weeks since. I should be 8 weeks and some days along now. But I'm not. It's still hard some days. Some days it's just like things have returned to normal. Every day gets a little easier. We are moving forward. We are planning to keep trying for another baby. We are enjoying our lives in the present. We are healing.