Four Losses

If you have been with me for awhile then you probably know that I have had four miscarriages, although it is something that I very rarely talk about (at least publicly). But last week - Addison's birthday to be exact - was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I try not to think about it much since that is a day to celebrate my beautiful oldest girl, who also happens to be my only kid who isn't a rainbow baby. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it. All four were heartbreaking, life changing moments in my life that definitely changed me.

My first miscarriage came five months after we started trying for a second baby. I never thought that we were struggling because it can take time but considering it took only one month to get pregnant with Addison. But we were over the moon when we found I was pregnant. Rob was with the Marines when I started bleeding, and honestly I knew what was happening almost at once. Long story short, my first miscarriage came just before 6 weeks and I had a hard time coming back from it. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I didn't feel happy. I felt sad that my body had failed me. I honestly didn't know where to go from there. And I felt alone. It was such a lonely feeling that even Rob couldn't fully understand. 

My second miscarriage came two months after my first and my first cycle that we were able to try again. I pretty much found out and almost immediately started bleeding. Although my heart was broken, I think I almost felt numb. I still felt in shock from my first miscarriage - an experience I had never thought I would have to experience. It was almost as if I didn't really even let myself feel that I was even pregnant so I was able to get through it faster. But maybe it was just the numbness from the first that I was still experiencing which didn't really allow me to feel this second one. 

It was after my second and more months of trying that we decided to go get help. We went to a fertility specialist, which is when we discovered I had PCOS. Finding that out definitely answered a lot of questions of things I had experienced since a teenager but never really understand why it was like that. But it could also be why I was having miscarriages. I was also then told that it was almost impossible to get pregnant naturally with PCOS, which shocked them to learn that I had one already conceived naturally. Regardless we came up with a plan moving forward and I went on medicine to help me ovulate and hopefully stay pregnant. 

I actually got pregnant on my first cycle but once again my numbers were too low and I was told that I would miscarry for a third time. Something that I didn't talk about a lot at the time but when I was given the news that I would miscarry over the phone but one of the head nurses at the clinic. She then told me that this meant I couldn't have a baby with using IVF and any child I had without IVF would have birth defects or delays. I think at the time I was more angry about what she was telling me than I was even sadden about the miscarriage. I really did feel I was becoming numb to them at this point. But at the same time I this also felt different. I was on medicine it was supposed to help and if this didn't help would I even be able to have another baby. 

Of course I did. A few months later we got pregnant with Connor, no IVF required and no birth defects or delayed. After realizing that this pregnancy was going to stick, I put the three miscarriages behind me and once I got into my second trimester I let myself just be excited for what was coming.

My last miscarriage would come once we decided to try for a third. We had decided that if we got pregnant then we did but if not then we were happy with our two. We only tried a few months before we did get pregnant. A miscarriage was never once something I considered. Everything seemed okay at first. I ended up going in for an ultrasound and bloodwork. My ultrasound showed that I was only dating at about 5 weeks even though I should have been 7 weeks. As I sat waiting for my bloodwork to be done, I knew that I was going to miscarry again. I started spotting soon after and that was it. This one was different because this time around my body didn't clear out like it was supposed to. I had to go back to a couple of ultrasounds to make sure all the tissue was gone because I just bled for so long. 

For some reason the last one felt a lot like my first. It was hard and I felt so broken. I felt like I wouldn't recover and I honestly wasn't sure where to go from there. But we pressed forward and I let myself recover bit by bit. 

Of course my very next cycle we got pregnant with Emma and my second rainbow baby was born.

We are done having kids and at times I feel sad to know that part of our lives is behind us. But at the same time I also feel relieved knowing that I never have to go through that heartbreak again. It's hard to think about those moments and those babies that I lost. It's hard to be reminded by those moments but those moments have formed who I am and our family. 

And I want to say to anyone who has been going through a loss or has gone through a loss, just know that you aren't alone. It's heartbreaking and it's hard to feel like things will be okay. And truthfully there will be a lot of moments where you don't feel okay but that's okay. It's okay to not feel okay all the time. And if you know someone going through a loss, just know that just saying that you are sorry and offering to be there is all you need to do. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is one that I hope you never have to be be aware of. A day that I hope you can let just be another day for you. But for so many of us, this day truly does mean something.