Fight Like a Girl: Marriage Through Secondary Infertility

Marriage is hard. I know that isn't exactly ground-breaking stuff there. In fact if you're married then you know that. If you aren't then you should. It's a lot of work.

I have been very lucky. I married my best friend almost four years ago. We haven't always had it easy in our marriage but we have faced every battle together and have come out on the other side stronger. The truth is until Addison went through her regression, we never really faced any hardship. But that was easy to face together as parents. It wasn't about us as man and wife. That was about our daughter.

It wasn't until our first miscarriage that we found ourselves dealing with loss and heartbreak, and learning how to move forward from that pain. I knew that I was changed from the experience. I felt like I was never going to stop crying. But what I never imagined was how it was going to affect Rob. It wasn't just me that lost a child, it was also him. So together we had to figure out how to move forward and keep trying. Something we had to do time and time again after each miscarriage.

This has been a challenge for our marriage no doubt. We have had heartache of three miscarriages. We have been frustrated with negative test after negative test. We have had to deal with the constant hormonal ups and downs (seriously the man deserves a medal!). We now have to deal with fertility testing and treatment financial burdens.

Communication has been so important through this all. Truth be told, communication is key in marriages when there aren't hardships. We have had our fair share of communication problems over the years and have had to figure out how to talk and listen to each other better. From the moment we realized we were having problems and needed help, we had to really start talking. We had to talk about how we were feeling. We had to be honest and had to really listen to each other.

I would be lying if I said that we saw eye to eye on everything. There is a lot to process and a lot of information and a lot to figure out what was best for us once we started seeing the RE. Men and women are very different, so he doesn't always see where I'm coming from and I can't always see where he's coming from. So we have learned to compromise. We have had to figure what the other really wants and figure out how to make it work best for our family. And so much of that is due to just talking on a regular basis about what's happening and what our options are.

Although I am very open about our lives and our infertility journey here and in real life, there is so much I don't talk about. I think that's an important aspect of all this. I keep some aspects of our lives private. I love sharing and knowing that I might be helping someone else with our journey, but my marriage comes first and in order to keep it that way, we keep a lot to ourselves.

As important as it is to continue to talk about our future plans and what we are going to do, we also try to focus on other things. We talk about other things. We talk about other future plans. We talk about going on vacation. We, of course, talk about our daughter. We talk about the mundane day-to-day stuff. We don't let everything become about our fertility. So we spend time together, laughing about stupid things. We play games together. We cook together (although he's not such a fan of the cooking thing). We argue over what we watch on Netflix at night. We just talk and be together. By focusing on other things and looking forward to things in the future unrelated to kids, we forget about fertility and just be a married couple.

The biggest thing has been just being there for each other. When it comes right down to it, it has been
harder on me than it has been on Rob. It's not that he doesn't want another baby but the emotions (and definitely hormones) are very different. But when I'm having a bad day or going through a rough patch (which happens more often than I'd like), he's there. He's learned that sometimes I don't need a fix. I just need him to listen.

Through all this, we have learned that we have to put each other first. We have to take the time to focus on our relationship. We check in to make sure we are still on the same page. We talk often about our plans and about nothing at all. We are definitely coming out stronger. I know that I can count on my husband for anything. I know that he is there for me no matter what. And he knows the same about me. I know that I have someone by my side through thick or thin; for better or for worse.

"Well then fight for it, Palmer. That's what you do. You fight for your family. And sometimes you fight like hell just to have one." (NCIS)

xo, B

Fight Like a Girl: Cycle #1

I'm going to start by saying that I don't plan on doing updates on each cycle so this is a rarity. I have actually done more infertility posts than I ever intended to lately but I have a lot to say and this is part of our lives so I'm going to continue talk about it.

April 1 started out first medicated cycle. I was nervous going into it because it seemed like a lot to remember. At the peak I was taking about nine different pills a day, but always an at least six a day. I also had to learn how to give myself a shot. Plus there were ultrasounds to see if the medicine was even working.

It seems a lot and I spent the first couple of weeks completely overwhelmed. But it was easy to fall into a groove and it all becomes second nature. For the beginning I knew it was going to end in a negative because there is no way we are that lucky to get pregnant the first cycle, but I was okay with that. I knew that we were finally on the right track and my cycle wasn't going to last for two months so I could deal with a negative.

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We took all the medicines, we went int for our ultrasound and found the medicine had done exactly what it was supposed to do, I gave myself a shot and we started our wait. I started progesterone to help thicken my lining which should help since I have had past miscarriages. We had our instructions and my test date. If it was positive then I call and I go in to get my betas done and I keep up with the progesterone. If it's negative then I stop the progesterone and let my next cycle start then call and we start over again.

Our test date came and it was a stronger positive. It was hard to believe. Our first medicated cycle and we got a positive. There was part of me that I was terrified and worried. I kept telling myself to chose joy over worry but any time I let myself feel too happy I had a sinking feeling. But it was a positive so I followed the instructions.

I had my betas (HCG level) taken and I got the call that the number of low. But I read that the number didn't necessarily matter but that the number doubled. So the plan was to go back 48 hours later then another 48 hours after that. Although I read that the number doesn't matter, I also knew that it being low was not a good thing. I just felt that there was something wrong. I wasn't joyful at all anymore. In fact I was just waiting for the bad news and waiting for the other shoe. I was preparing myself for the worse.

48 hours later I got the call I knew was coming. My levels dropped. I was having another miscarriage (chemical pregnancy). I was to stop the progesterone and let myself bleed. For the third time I would miscarry naturally.

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On the phone I was able to keep it together. We talked about what would happen next. I would get my level checked again to make sure they were negative. If they were negative then if we were ready we could start trying again. After getting information and asking my questions, I hung up and lost it. No matter how early or how many times I go through it, my heart hurts every time.

And in many ways this one was even harder. I didn't understand. I was going to the RE. I was doing
everything. I was taking all the medicines. I followed all directions. But I still couldn't keep a pregnancy. From this one we learned that I can get pregnant but there's a problem keeping me that way.

So where do we go from here? I'm not sure where our road will lead. I know that we are going to keep pressing forward. We aren't ready to give up. We are ready for our happy ending. Right now we are looking for answers to why I can get pregnant but not stay that way. But for the time being we just keep on the path we are on with our medications while we seek those answers.

And let I let myself heal from the heartache. I go easy on myself. I let myself be sad. I let myself be angry. I learn how to move forward again from yet another heartache.

"Sometimes you wonder if the road you're on has a reason."

xo, B

Fight Like a Girl: Parenting Through Infertility

Being a mom is an amazing experience. Watching this little person get her own personality and become her own person. I love to watch her explore the world and figure out how she fits in. I wouldn't trade it for the world, so I looked forward to becoming a mom for a second time. I looked forward to another little person becoming someone completely different than Addison. I looked forward to seeing how that person's mind worked and how someone who would come from the same two people as our first would be someone completely different.

But instead of learning how to be a mom to two little ones. I had to learn how to be a mom dealing with heartache. I had to learn how to be a mom despite my own pain.

The truth is that it was hard to just pick back up and be the same mom I was before. There was a pain I now carry with me. The heartache of the miscarriages made it hard to deal throughout the deal. But I learned  to continue to get up and look into the happy face of the girl I do have and deal with one hour at a time until it became easier to face one day at a time. Eventually things just slipped back to normal.

But I had changed. Our secondary infertility consumed my mind. Every negative test made me moody and impacted the rest of our day. As each cycle dragged on and on, I found myself more negative about everything in my day. I lacked patience with my daughter and grew frustrated easily. I snapped at her at the first sound of whining. She grew frustrated with me and soon we were feeding off each other. A good day around the house was hard to find. And I hardly wanted to leave the house because I was so frustrated and tired and cranky. I didn't want to deal with people anymore than I wanted to deal with my other daughter.

And soon the guilt started to set in. I was taking out my frustration with our struggle on my daughter. That wasn't fair to her. I had to figure out that this was no way to live our lives. We were struggling to have another one but we already had one beautiful daughter that was getting my worst everyday.

So I started figuring out how to deal with those frustrations that didn't include her. I exercised. I
wrote. I read books. I found things to do just for me. And things started to get better. Soon I was able to start enjoying moments together more. I spent time on myself and let myself feel sad about all our struggles and when my daughter was awake and playing. I did my best to keep her out of it.

Things got even better after I was diagnosed and we had a plan formed. I didn't feel so hopeless. I wasn't so frustrated and disappointed all the time.

The truth is that we still have bad days. How can we not? Every day is a struggle. She's a two year old and my hormones still mess with me sometimes, but overall things are better. We are happier around the house. I spend less time feeling sorry for myself and frustrated with our situation and more time really focusing on the beautiful two year old I have.

I'm definitely not the same mom I was before. But maybe in some ways I'm a better one once I dealt with my own pain and heartache. Because I already have her, I'm so grateful for her. Every moment I spend with her is amazing. We were supposed to have her exactly when we were supposed to and I appreciate her all the more.

Being a parent is hard. And being a parent when you are dealing with so many emotions is even harder. It's a struggle every day but she deserves to have the best of me.

xo, B

Fight Like a Girl: You Are Not Alone

Sunday started National Infertility Awareness Week. You have probably seen me talk about it on my other social media sites by now (and if you haven't and are interested in following then check out the side panel for links to all my sites to follow). This week is one that I never knew existed until recently. In fact I never gave much thought to infertility. Why would I? We conceived our daughter the second month we tried. And suddenly now we are struggling to get pregnant, including two miscarriages. We are now the one in eight.

Infertility, no matter when it happens with the first or the second or the third, is a very isolating feeling. It's heartbreaking. It's frustrating. It's exhausting. It's lonely. More than once over the course of the last year I have felt hopeless.

This year's theme is 'You Are Not Alone.' And truly it has been interesting to check out the #NIAW or #YouAreNotAlone and look into all the different stories. I have written about my story here several times, and truthfully I was always conflicted about how much to write. Or even if I should write anything at all. But in the end I always came back to sharing my story. After talking to my husband about it (and getting his approval because it also affects him as well), I posted our story and I haven't regretted it. I have had many people send me messages about their own struggles, looking for someone to talk to. And that just reminds me why I wrote it all down and shared our story.

Going through the miscarriages and the secondary IF and getting the diagnosis of PCOS, I felt lonely. I felt like I was the only one in the world that was going through that. But I wasn't. I started looking online to find other blogs that talked about their experiences. And I felt inspired. I felt a little more hopeful. Writing down my story wasn't just therapeutic for me. I hoped that it might help someone else going through something similar. I wanted my readers to know that they weren't alone. I wanted to open up the dialogue and tell everyone that it isn't something to be ashamed of. I wanted to show that it was okay to talk about.

Since I started posting, I have had many conversations one-on-one about my miscarriages and infertility. I have also had bigger group conversations. My posts may not have been the thing to open the dialogue but it's being talked about and I feel like there is more awareness. And as someone who is just starting this journey, that means a lot to me. Being able to openly talk to others has been amazing and awesome. I don't mind talk about it. It's part of my life and the cards that has been dealt to us. We don't want to pretend like it's not happening because it is, so I'll talk about it. I'll be open about it.

So if you are going through this, know you don't have to "suffer in silence." There are many women out that that understand. There are women out there going through similar heartaches and frustrations.

If you want to follow my story then check out the links before:
We Aren't Done
Fight Like a Girl: Part I
Fight Like a Girl: Part II
Stronger Than Yesterday: My Playlist
Fight Like a Girl: Grateful

If you are looking for more information check out Resolve's National Infertility Awareness Week. Also check out 25 Things to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Living with Infertility. And if you're looking to support but don't know how, you can always donate to Resolve, which goes to support and educate about infertility and those families going through it.

Just remember if you are the one in eight: You Are Not Alone.

xo, B

Fight Like a Girl: Grateful

Despite all my hope for the future now that we are on medicine, I have been feeling a bit down lately about our situation and struggle to get pregnant. It's so easy to forget the good things that are going on in our lives.

1 // Rob has been amazing this last year. He is so much more than I ever thought I deserved. He is an awesome man full of endless love and support. No matter what is going on in our lives, we are solid.

2 // Addison is pretty dang awesome. She is amazing and makes me smile everyday.

3 // Although sometimes I hate this house and tell Rob that I'm ready to move now, I'm grateful ta we are able to own our own house and have a roof over our heads.

4 // Even though we have to go through secondary infertility, Rob has amazing insurance that covers almost all of our treatment and medicines which means we are able to do a little more and for longer.

5 // Being able to stay at home is amazing for me, even more so in light of all that happened last year with Addison. That good job of Rob's not only gives us good insurance but also provides enough for me to hang out with a pretty cool kid all day.

 6 // We are both blessed with amazing families. Plus Addison has two sets of grandparents who adore her and want to spend time with her.

7 // Despite the secondary infertility and PCOS, we are all healthy. Since the regression, Addie has been a happy and healthy kid who just keep progressing.

8 // Technology is pretty awesome too. I'm grateful for the the ability to keep up with family and friends who don't live close by, or even with those that live close by. I'm grateful that I can vent out my frustrations to my husband in the middle of the day via text when I'm at my wits end with Addison. And let's face it, sometimes it's nice to have the TV to distract the kid when it's just been one of those days.

9 // We are always well-fed every day. We are never without food, and can even have the luxury fun foods around the house. Although we don't keep a lot of snacks around the house because we aren't big on snacking, we are able to keep them and enjoy a snack occasionally.

10 // I am grateful for my Stella cat. Although she doesn't pick up on cues quite like a dog might that cat sure does cuddle well when I need her. We've had her for four years and I love that silly cat.

Every day I have to remind myself to to be grateful. It's easy to see all the disappointments and heartaches, and honestly we have been full of those things around here lately. But the truth is that we have a lot to be thankful and a lot to be happy about. It's a constant every day battle to remember that while we go through all our current battles. But together as family we push ahead and we grow stronger as individual people and as a family.

xo, B

Stronger Than Yesterday: My Playlist

The last year of my life has kind of sucked. I'm not saying that there hasn't been good things because there has been. But there has been a lot that has sucked and in truth I have had a tough time. So I had to learn how to deal because hiding under the covers away from the world wasn't an option.

One of the ways I helped deal was by listening to music. And I listened to a lot of music. But I had a main playlist that I even named Stronger Than Yesterday as my reminder that that I made it through another day and I'm stronger for it. 

It's amazing how much music plays a key role in your life. Or at least it does for me. When I'm happy and excited then I want something upbeat I can dance to. When I'm feeling down, I want something to echo that feeling. When I'm having a tough time, I want something that reminds me that to keep going and pushing ahead. 

So without further ado, my playlist that has helped me deal for the last year and still helps me on a daily basis. 

1 - I Believe // Christian Perri

2 - It Is Well // Bethel Music & Kristina DiMarco

3 - You Make Me Brave // Bethel Music & Amanda Cook

4 - Beam Me Up // P!nk

5 - I Won't Give up // Jason Mraz

6 - Landslide // Glee cast version

7 - Songbird // Glee cast version

8 - Shake It Out // Glee cast version

9 - All Out of Love // Glee cast version

 

10 - Wake Me Up // Avicii

11 - Give Me Love // Ed Sheeran

12 - Superheroes // The Script

13 - Healing Begins // Tenth Avenue North

What music gives you hope or pushes your forward or helps you deal?

xo, B

Fight Like a Girl: Part II

Everyone recovered from the overload of facts about PCOS? Yeah I'm not sure I am either. But I have been overwhelmed with a lot of information recently and there is still so much I don't know.

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Since I was a teenage I was always afraid I wouldn't be able to have children. It was such a weird
worry for a 16-year-old. But I always felt off. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I would hit highs and lows emotionally. I was always so tired, much more so than I should have been as a teenager. I never had a regular period, never knew when it coming. But after awhile I thought maybe it was all normal. How was I supposed to know any different? But there was always that nagging feeling that there was something wrong.

Fast forward to years later.

When I went off birth control to try for a second baby was immediately different from when I went off with Addison. Almost from the start I felt off-balance, which only got worse with time. I was emotional. I hit highs and I hit extreme depression and sadness. I would go from happy to angry to crying in a matter of minutes. And my poor husband took it all. Actually he thought it was all normal (so sorry to women everywhere because he thought all women were as crazy as I've been for the past year and that's probably not true or fair). I was frustrated. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I was depressed. I was anxious. And I did my best to hide it all around other people, but as time went off it was harder and harder to keep it in check. But keeping it all bottled was only making it worse when no one was around.

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Beyond the emotional imbalance and feeling like a crazy person, my hair was falling out and thinning. I thought it was just from dyeing my hair but even after the color was all out of my hair for months my hair was still coming out in handfuls. My self-esteem was starting to take a hit. Especially when you couple the falling out hair with the acne that was still plaguing me as a 28 year old. I didn't want to go out in public because I was feeling horrible about myself.

My cycles were also all over the place. Thanks to taking my temperature every morning I knew how my cycles were going and when I ovulated. When I got pregnant with Addison I ovulated on exactly cycle day 14. This time I wasn't ovulating until anywhere between cycle day 18 and 22. Then after my first miscarriage it was even more all over the place. There was definitely nothing regular about my cycle, which was causing me more stress and anxiety worrying that something was wrong.

I have since learned that some "side effects" of PCOS during pregnancy is miscarriage and gestational diabetes. Which I have had the misfortune of experiencing both.

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So when I was diagnosed with PCOS it was like a switch was flipped. Suddenly so many things made
sense. Suddenly I knew I wasn't crazy. I felt better knowing that it wasn't all in my head and I wasn't making a bigger deal out of how I was feeling. I felt better knowing that what I was feeling could be explained. All those years and all those things had an answer. It was like a light was flipped.

However the more I looked into PCOS, the worst I felt. I was glad and thankful to finally have an answer but I was learning that this was a lifelong thing. This was so much more than our struggle to have a baby. This was never going away.

But at the same time I had more hope for our future and us having more kids. I knew that plenty of women with PCOS were able to get pregnant. And my RE was very optimistic about us getting pregnant again. But it might take a little more than it did when we got pregnant with Addison. Although I had PCOS when I got pregnant with Addison, we just got lucky. The stars aligned and we got the exact little girl we were meant to. It's not to say that she is more special than any other kid we might have because we were able to conceive her naturally. It's just different now.

But I have hope now, something I haven't had for a long time. We have now started moving forward with our treatment plan and I'm excited. I don't expect to get pregnant immediately but maybe soon we'll see a second line and 9 months then finally get to meet a new addition. So in the meantime I'm learning the ins-and-outs of fertility medicines and procedures, and how to make a lifelong change to feel like me again. I'm just learning how to fight like a girl.

xo, B

Fight Like a Girl: Part I

I have struggled to write this several times. I write something then delete. For some reason I'm struggling to find the right words. I'm struggling to find the right words to say. I'm struggling how to talk about this. But it's not that I don't want to talk about it. Honestly I want to pretend like it's not real.

But it is. It's my reality and I can't pretend like it's not. Well I can but it probably won't do me any good. I previously talked about our secondary infertility and that I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

I guess that means I'm officially on team teal now.

Every time I think about writing about PCOS I struggle with where to start. There's so much say about it and how I'm feeling. So for now I'm going to start with the facts. Most of you are probably like I was. I have no idea what this was. The only reason I had heard of it was because I had seen a few women talking about it on some of the trying to get pregnant forums I'm apart of. But mostly I didn't pay attention and had no idea what it even meant. When I heard about it, I figured it just had to do with having trouble getting pregnant.

It does. But there's a lot more to it than that. So like I said I'm going with facts and things that I have learned and another day, another post I'll talk about my experience and all the emotions and how I'm coping. But knowledge is power and if I can reach out to my readers about this then that's more people that know and have an awareness of this. I will say this before I start with my information dump, I am still learning. I am doing a lot of reading and a lot of researching still, so this is a learning progress that is ongoing for me.

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To start: PCOS is an endocine disorder. It's a
lifelong, chronic condition. About 5-10% of women have PCOS, that's between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 women of childbearing age. Women who have a mother or sister with it are a greater risk of having PCOS, which means Addison has a higher risk of having PCOS than if I didn't.

The reason why it was discovered that I had PCOS was because of our struggle to get pregnant with two miscarriages. But PCOS isn't just about infertility. It affects a woman's menstrual cycle, causing none at all or irregular ones. It also affects hormones, heart, blood vessels, and appearance.

Simply put there is a hormone imbalance. Women with PCOS have an increased production of the hormone called androgen, which is a male hormone. That hormone causes acne, excessive hair growth on your body, weight gain, and problems with ovulation.

There are many symptoms of PCOS, but not every woman has every symptom. The symptoms include infertility, irregular or absent periods, increase hair growth on body, cysts on ovaries, acne, weight gain, thinning hair, anxiety or depression, just to list a few.

There is no cure for PCOS but there are treatments such as lifestyle changes, birth control pills, diabetes medication, fertility medication, and surgery (for cysts). However many women find that lifestyle changes have been the most effective. Many women with PCOS have an insulin resistance so cutting down on carbs helps manage that. Also many have a gluten intolerance as well and have
had to cut out gluten from their diets. Exercise also helps. All those things help keep the symptoms in check and under control.

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But PCOS goes beyond just menstrual cycles, infertility, and extra hair where you don't want it and thinner hair where you do. Women with PCOS have a 4-7 times higher risk of heart attack as women of the same age. Women have a greater risk of having high blood pressure. Women have a greater chance of having high levels of bad cholesterol and low levels of good cholesterol. 50% of women with PCOS will have diabetes or pre-diabetes before age 40. Women with PCOS are also more likely to develop sleep apnea, anxiety, or depression.

After likely struggling to get pregnant with PCOS, women have a higher risk of miscarriage, gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, and premature delivery.

However like I said, all the symptoms and risks are better when treated. There is no one-fix all for women with PCOS because every woman responds differently to different medicine and different techniques. Although we could all benefit from better diets and more exercise. From what I read, many women find that controlling their symptoms have been best with the lifestyles changes than with any medicine.

If you feel overwhelmed by that information then you are just touching of the surface of how I feel. On one hand I'm relieved to have a reason for why I've been feeling the way I have been for so long and for having an explanation for our infertility. But on the other hand, this isn't something that I can fix now and then go back to life as it was. This is something that I will carry and struggle with for the rest of my life.

So now you have the facts. There are probably more I left out. I know there is a lot of information about lifestyle changes that I didn't even touch on, not to mention how I feel about all this and what my experience has been, but that's for a different day.

xo, B

We Aren't Done

This is a blog post that is near and dear to my heart. One that I have been working on for awhile now. One that I have written then rewritten then rewritten once again. One that I debated even posting.

I never imagined that trying to have another baby would take this route. I never imagined that it

would be filled with so much heartache. I never imagined that I would have two miscarriages. I never thought that we would struggle so much just to bring another person into this family.

I didn't know secondary infertility even existed.

But it does. And the heartache is real. The frustration never-ending. The journey long.

Conceiving Addison was easy. It happened that second month we tried. I barely had a chance to progress the journey we were starting before I was pregnant and we started down that road. I never realized what being a mom really was. I never realized the love that was possible for such a tiny little person. But she has completely changed my world. She has rocked it all around. And she is so much of the reason why we want more.

We want to fill our house with more laughter and more love because we know that we have more to give. Addison opened our eyes to a whole new world and we want more of it.

So we started trying in March of 2014. I went back to taking my basal body temperature (BBT) each morning to help track when I ovulate. I started taking prenatals. I even learned about ovulation tests which detect a LH surge which is the last hormone before you ovulate, which is something I knew nothing about when we started trying for Addison.

And it wasn't until after Addison's MRI and we had less stress that we finally got that second line. And a few weeks later I started spotting then bleeding. And that was it. The baby we had prayed for after four months left us too soon. I was devastated. I cried and when I thought I had no more tears left I started crying again.

But slowly I started to feel better. And after sitting out a cycle, we could start trying again. But things were different. My cycle was different. I was different. I knew my cycle was likely to change. I never realized how much I would change from it.

But miracle of all miracles, I got pregnant right away. It never even crossed my mind that I would miscarry again. But when I went into the doctor the day after my positive, we discovered that my levels were too low and I would start bleeding in the next day or so. And that was it. I hadn't even really got a chance to progress that we were pregnant before it was gone. And my heart hurt all over again.

Again my cycles changed. I went from a cycle that was 27 days to a cycle that was 61 days. Every month I grew more discouraged.

So we made the decision to start talking to the doctor. She ran some tests and all my hormone levels came back normal. I got a pelvic ultrasound which came back normal. Except for a slight separation between one of my tubes and my uterus which my doctor didn't know if that had any significance as far as getting pregnant. But the person that would have the answers was a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).

So after two miscarriages and a year of trying, we were heading to try and find more answers. And we found answers. On one hand I'm excited that we were able to identity what probably caused the miscarriages and why we are struggling to get pregnant. But on the other hand I'm overwhelmed by the results, and honestly a bit bummed. The RE concluded that the separation was so slight that it would have no impact. But I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

And this is where I struggle. I'm happy that we can put a name to the problem. I'm happy that we can form a plan and move forward with trying to get pregnant. But I also know that this isn't just going to affect trying to get pregnant. PCOS is so much bigger than that (I will be posting more about this on a later date). And for that reason I'm a bit terrified. But I have this amazing man, who I'm lucky enough to call my husband, who is supporting me and telling me that I'm not broken.

So now that we have the diagnosis, we can make a plan. We can move forward and try to get

pregnant with some help. Sometimes I feel sad because it didn't just happen as easily as it did with Addison and we probably won't be get pregnant naturally. But other times I think that I don't care how we get pregnant because in the end if we do get pregnant all that will matter is that beautiful baby we bring into the world.

So we are progressing with a treatment plan and only time will tell if it works. If it doesn't then we try something new. But we have the first step.

Even with knowing the cause and knowing we have a plan, I still struggle quite a bit. I have songs that I listen to that helps me deal when I'm having a bad day. I have a bracelet that reminds me to choose joy. I have a shirt that tells me that I'm stronger than yesterday. I have mantras that I repeat to myself sometimes nonstop all day long. And sometimes none of it helps. Sometimes I get pissed off and I get sad and I want to scream.

Which is when I remember a lyric from one of those songs that always helps me: "today it's okay to be not okay."

It's okay for me to have bad days. It's okay for me to be mad and sad. But these are cards in front of me and I'm dealing the best I can. But sometimes I just have to be not okay.

So here begins our secondary infertility struggles. I have no idea where our story will go. But we are following this road. We are still hoping and praying for that second little person to join our family. But right now this is where we are. And we just have to take it one day at a time.

xo, B